Harry Potter and the Attack of the Fangirls
by Daffy Mouse
Summary: Just a funny, stupid, parody of what Hogwarts would do if it was taken over by fangirls. Please R&R. Rated just to be on the safe side because of the common issues fangirls like to include.
1. Chapter 1

**HARRY POTTER AND THE ATTACK OF THE FAN GIRLS**

**I don't own anything. Kapeesh?**

_It's a clear, peaceful night at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, that marks the start of a fresh new academic year. The sorting has taken place and Dumbledore is just about to make his speech. Little do the students know what the bad news he is going to bring will mean for them THIS year..._

**DUMBLEDORE: **_(Nervous cough) _Welcome to, and back, to Hogwarts. I'm afraid I have to bring you some rather... interesting news.

_(The room is overcome with an eerie silence.)_

The school has run out of funding. Our secret bank supply was stolen last night, and unfortunately it cannot be recovered. We decided the school had no choice but to close down.

_(Shocked gasps)_

But then we found an alternative. The kind fangirls at the HP Fanclub have kindly agreed to fund the running of the school-

_(Whoops, cheers, screams and general merriment ensue.Dumbledor yells to get the attention of the hall back)_

**ON THE CONDITION THAT THEY CAN MAKE SOME CHANGES IN THE SCHOOL!**

_(Silence once again. The students look around at each other uneasily.)_

_**(Enter three gawky looking fangirls with Potter-esque glasses on and bodies decked from head to toe in Hogwarts merchandise, rather like a Christmass Tree. INCLUDING a Christmas Tree, actually.)**_

**Fangirl 1: **That's right. WE'RE in charge now, and after a lengthy discussion with the rest of the fangirls a decision has been made to make some changes around here.

**Fangirl 2: **_(Brings out a scroll, and unfurls it. The shocked hall realize it is over two metres in length) _**FIRSTLY! **Potter. You are engaged to Ron...

_(Harry stands up with a look of utter disgust on his face. He opens his mouth to complain, but decides against it. Strangely enough, Ron doesn't look all that bothered.)_

**Fangirl 3: **... And carrying Malfoy's baby.

_(Ron chokes on his pumpkin juice and jumps up next to Harry, looking outraged)_

**Ron: **You can't be serious! Harry would never cheat on me!

_(Everyone including Harry turns around and raises an eyebrow at Ron)_

**Ron: **And, and, erm, he hates Malfoy! Malfoy hates him!Also, how can he be pregnant? It's scientifically impossible!

**Fangirl 1: **Listen, PAL, don't bother us with trivial matters of scientific impossibility. If we want it to happen, it's happening, comprende?

_(Harry and Ron sit down, disgruntled. Anyone who had cared to look out of the window would have seen Malfoy half a mile away, running as fast as he possibily can, planning to go into hiding. What he doesn't know is that they have half the fan club controlling the perimeter of the grounds. He'll be back by lights out)_

**Fangirl 2: **_(Clears throat) _Professor Severus Snape will be having illicit student-teacher affairs with no less than 32 students of various ages and houses. A list of said students will be posted in each common room by tomorrow morning.

_(By this point Snape is green and close to throwing up, so to avoid making extra work for the house elves he begins making his way out of the hall toward the staff bathrooms.)_

**Fangirl 3: **Hermione Granger is definitely on the list. No exceptions.

_(Too late)_

**Fangirl 1: **Granger is also going out with Malfoy.

_(Hermione looks confused, annoyed and disgusted all at once)_

**Hermione: **Right, so, to clarify... I am having an illicit teacher-student affair with Snape, whilst at the same time going out with Malfoy who is the father of Harry's baby which was produced at some point during the time they were cheating on Ron, who Harry is engaged to?

**Fangirl 3: **That's about the size of it, yeah.

_(The other fangirls cough and brandish a point on the scroll)_

**Fangirl 3: **Oh yeah, I forgot. On top of the rest of the stuff you are also secretly married to Dobby the house-elf after a shotgun wedding in Vegas. Kapeesh?

**Hermione: **Ka-bloody-put...

**Fangirl 2: **The full list of changes will be sent to you all at breakfast tomorrow morning. Oh, and anybody not following these changes will be kicked out of school and forced to do meet-and-greets with screaming 5 year olds wearing hats and capes all over the UK. Then the world.

_(Everyone files out of the hall feeling shocked, violated, and in some cases amused/excited. But we won't go into that)_


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Due to demand... And because I got bored, lol!

_Everyone is sitting in the Gryffindor common room. (Not everyone, obviously, because they wouldn't fit, and that would be silly. Use your common sense. No? Okay, THE GRYFFINDORS WERE SITTING IN THE COMMON ROOM! Happy now?) Everyone is very quiet, surprisingly, and looking at their feet._

**Ginny: **So... Erm... Anybody read the Daily Prophet recently?

_(Everyone gives her a strange look, and she goes back to looking at her feet. Ron, who is sitting next to Harry, yawns and tries to put his arm around Harry. Bad move. Harry's not a slut, Ron! Not yet, anyway...)_

**Harry: **Excuse me? What they hell are you playing at, you tard?

**Hermione: **Tard? Why are you talking like that? Its american! This is the UK!

**Harry: **Talking like a trashy american teenager. It's in my guide book. _(Picks up and waves book entitled "Hogwarts in the Time of Fangirls: A Complete Guide" and a picture of a happy, smiling, but evil eyed fangirl on the cover) _There's one on everybody's bed. It's, erm, AWESOME. _(He shudders)_

_(Everyone dashes to their bed and returns with their own personalised guide)_

**Ron: **Look at this! It says that I'm "A gay emo who spends every night cutting and listening to Evanescence. Wears lip glos and glittery eye shadow around the castle and is generally moody."

**Dean: **_(Cracks up laughing) _Aren't the professors going to care that you're walking around the castle like some glam rock goth poser?

**Hermione: **I doubt it, because he isn't going to be on his own...

**Harry: **What? What's up with that dude? It's totally whack! Tell us what's going on, girlfriend! _(Am I the only one who thinks Harry is enjoying this a bit too much)_

**Hermione: **We're getting 'new arrivals' to the castle. In fact, ours should turn up any minute now...

_(Door bell rings. Everyone looks around at each other, puzzled.)_

**Ginny: **Doorbell? Since WHEN have we had a door bell? _(Skims through guide book) _**"Please note, random, unpredictable uncanon changes will occur throughout the school at any time. Please just accept these and carry on so you don't shatter our perfect little fantasy" **Oh lord.

_(Enter: Goth girl with enough studs and piercings to mend the Titanic, dressed from head to toe in black, glaring at everyone and shaking her hair which has red, blue, green, pink, orange, and black in it. Which, of course is perfectly acceptable at a high class wizarding boarding school. Anyway... She is followed closesly by a tall, busty, perfect looking blonde model who has vamped up her robes to be incredibly short and see through.)_

**Blonde: **_(Giggling) _Hi! I'm Vanilla Auburn Serenity Moonshine! I'm Theodore Nott's half sister and also Harry's cousin!

**Harry: **Damn, cos she is well fit man! And you is Dudley's sister? _(Looks puzzled)_

**Vanilla: **_(Narrows eyes) _Shut up, you!

**Goth girl: **I'm Kara Kingley. Mess with me and I'll kill you. I just sit in my room all day, skipping lessons, writing endless diary entries about how much my life sucks, and making potions to kill you all because did I mention? I'm also the most powerful witch in the whole world, I just haven't thought to bring it up to anyone before.

**Ron: **Right... Is that Malfoy out there?

_(Everyone looks outside the window to see Draco being dragged back to the castle, kicking and screaming and clawing at the grass)_

**Hermione: **Oh yeah, I forgot... How does it feel to be pregnant Harry?

**Harry: **Well, my ankles keep swelling up! My back aches something chronic and i can't remember the last time I saw my feet.

**Ron: **You're not even showing yet!

**Harry: **Aren't I? _(Looks down) _Oh. _(Checks guide) "_I'm absolutely thrilled to be having this baby, and I have a strange craving for caviar." That better?

**Ron: **Great. And Harry, just so you know... I will care for that child like its my own.

_(Everyone gives Ron a weird look. Unsurprisingly)_


End file.
